All goes smoothly at first. You're in love. You're horny. You two can't get enough of yourselves. For a night of intense lovemaking, you forego sleep. However, a honeymoon most time is never enough.
The first excitement soon fades. Real life sets in as your relationship begin to solidify. The pressures and obligations of daily life take over the desire to engage in erotic communication.
It makes sense why most couples who seek sexual counseling lament their lack of desire. Some people find themselves in sexless marriages or relationships and yearn for the spark to return. But is it even feasible?
Numerous elements that safeguard desire in long-term partnerships have been uncovered by researchers. And a big part of keeping the flame alive is innovation.
Study of Sexual Desire in Long-Term Couples
University of Kentucky researchers examined 64 peer-reviewed studies on sexual desire in committed relationships in 2018. They sought to comprehend the elements influencing sexual flow in relationships.
They developed a theoretical framework for sustaining desire in committed relationships. It's critical to realize that their argument has some drawbacks. Only three studies that considered same-sex relationships were found by the research team, therefore the conclusions largely apply to male-female relationships.
Additionally, because study participants were in monogamous relationships, we have no idea how desire changes in open relationships.
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Following are some of the most typical desire killers:
Erotic monotony: If we consistently use the same triggers and don't make any changes, our sexual rituals and behaviors will surely grow monotonous.
Lack of erotic stimulation: We don't require much prodding to get in the mood when we are young and in love. It's a different tale now that we've spent ten years together. If we don't make a conscious effort to maintain desire, it dies. We need to establish a sexual environment every day.
Overfamiliarity with a partner: Let's be honest. The mystery is lost when two people reside under the same roof. Before you know it, one of you has taken a short pee or, worse, clipped their nails in the bathroom without closing the door. Except for sex, knowing everything about your partner is beneficial in all facets of the relationship. The unknown is where desire thrives.
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The Secret to a Happy Sex Life Is Novelty
It is one thing to comprehend why libido declines in committed relationships. Another is figuring out "how to keep desire alive." Several elements that supported couples in maintaining their sexual chemistry were revealed by the literature review. Three tiers of human desire have been found by researchers:
Their most intriguing discovery was that novelty is crucial in long-term partnerships. The concept was explained in terms of the more general meaning of self-expansion.
In their book "Love and the Expansion of Self: Understanding Attraction and Satisfaction" from 1986, E.N. and A. Aron defined the idea.
"Including the other in the self and engaging in possibilities for progress" is the other definition of self-expansion.
As researchers started to look at how self-expansion affected desire, they discovered that breaking routine and regularly introducing yourself to fresh, enjoyable experiences aided in fostering interest in sex.
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Here is what sexual novelty in your relationship may look like
Increase interest in having sex: Numerous studies show that desire enjoys anticipation. Contrary to what many people think, preparing for intimacy does not make you have less libido. When you are aware that you have a hot date planned, you will think about it and become more aroused. You can exchange sensual letters or texts throughout the day to stir erotic cravings.
Experiment with sexual practices and accessories: For a good reason, women's magazines are loaded with advice on how to "spice up your sex life" and which sex toys to use. Finding new ways to get intimate, according to research, keeps desire levels up. Purchase some books or instructional videos, and then give that tantric massage or mild spanking a try. And a sex coach can offer advice if you're not sure where to begin.
Surprise your partner: While building anticipation and tension is fantastic, surprising your lover also has amazing effects. According to one study, men between the ages of 30 and 65 enjoy having unplanned sex with their female partners. It's time to bring back those rapid hot showers!
Allow for a little flirting: According to a different study, acting flirtatiously and having a crush on other people can paradoxically make a monogamous relationship more passionate. To be clear: People who stated that flirting had a favorable effect on desire never engaged in infidelity. It appears that even the prospect of having sex with someone else makes a person more eager to make out with their current spouse.
Talk about it: Studies have shown that maintaining a partner's sexual desire depends on effective communication. Never undervalue the importance of expressing thanks and support after a sexual encounter. As they arise, deal with issues in the bedroom like erectile dysfunction or imbalanced libido. The difficulties get worse the longer you wait.
Solve your sexual problems together: Another key to building long-lasting partnerships is effort. Living together is not always good. There are many issues that couples deal with, especially in the bedroom. The possibility of maintaining the spark is higher for those who are dedicated to finding solutions to sexual problems like erectile dysfunction.
While most men who experience ED do so because of underlying medical issues like diabetes or cardiovascular disease, additional psychological support speeds up the resolution of the problem. Visit a sex therapist together to discover how to have wonderful sex even on days when getting an erection is impossible.
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